You were singing in the dark,
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Lots of little moments happen here every day that are unexpected and beautiful. Like that little cleft lip baby who has cried every time anyone comes to the bedside besides her mama, who smiles and holds her arms out to you one day to hold her. Like that girl you’re doing a routine dressing change on, when tears start trickling down her cheeks and she tells you she can tell from your face and gentleness with her that you really care about her. Like that sweaty kiss and hug and handshake from patients at the HOPE center, some of whom you don’t even remember taking care of. Like friends who sit on the floor crying with you for hours when your heart is breaking a little bit.
But even though we sometimes don’t want to think about it, we cannot help everyone. There are so many people that our screening team has had to look into their eyes and tell them they are sorry, we don’t do that type of surgery. Or it is too risky of an operation or the condition too advanced to operate on. Or no, we cannot give you Paracetamol for your blinding headache.
And sometimes patients that we thought we would be able to help die unexpectedly. You play with her, squeeze those pre medications into that little scrunched up mouth, and watch the OR team take her to surgery and go back to work without another thought.
I didn’t know that it was the last time I would see her smile. I didn’t know that I would hold her little hand as her heart stopped beating 2 days later.
I know that I was just a tiny part of this one story, but still some days my heart just hurts. I can’t explain why some are not healed and mama’s are left daughterless and heartbroken. But I also know that what I can see is sometimes small and I trust in a Savior who can explain it and who is still good and loving and kind.
So is it worth it? Yes, yes it is. Even on the hard days and with the ones that break our hearts. Some days I have to remind myself about those other beautiful moments that happen too. Each individual that we did help and who will be able to have a full and healthy life now. Each person who left this ship feeling that they truly experienced love while they were here. Whether you are in Jesus’s arms right now, or happy and healthy and healed, you were worth it.